If someone asks, “Do you want to lead a
happier life? Do you want to enjoy rewarding & lasting relationships? Do
you want to reduce stress?” Your answer would be “obviously yes”. The fact is
all of us want to be happy, not only for few days, but for all times to come.
Is there a reasonable way to achieve
this? My conviction is “Yes, there is an easy way out.” And the secret to
everlasting happiness lies in the process of “Inner dialogue”, called self-talk
in modern psychology. Today, psychologists profess that most of emotional hurts
are created by an individual himself or herself, usually unintentionally, by
indulging in negative self-talk.
“What is this process of self-talk”, a
question might pop up in your mind. Well, as we go about leading our daily
life, we all are constantly interpreting situations around us, and an internal
dialogue (self-talk) takes place inside our head, which decides how we
are going to feel about the situation.
A FEW CASE STUDIES
Jyoti and Raghav. Raghav, a software engineer, works with a multi-national
firm. The two got married 5 years ago, and are blessed with a daughter, who is
2 years old. Jyoti and Raghav were college mates, who fell in love and finally
decided to marry each other.
Jyoti’s and Raghav’s relationship appears to be normal and healthy, but if we
observe their daily life carefully, we will notice a number of ‘emotional
wounds’ and ‘ill feelings’ Jyoti is carrying about Raghav.
is what happened a few days ago. Just like any other day, Raghav got ready in
the morning and left home for office. Raghav’s office was around 25 kms away
from home, and he had to drive his bike each day 50 kms to and fro. After a
day’s hard work, Raghav returned home.
the evening, Jyoti and Raghav spent around 2 hours together, chatting and
playing with their daughter. That day, their daughter was not keeping well as
she was running fever. At around 10 pm, Raghav went to bed and in no time he
was asleep. Jyoti after finishing household chores, went to sleep at around
10.30 pm. She too was asleep within a few minutes.
was around 11.30 pm, Jyoti got up as she was worried about her daughter’s
fever. She was about to wake up Raghav but something stopped her from doing so.
She checked her daughter’s fever and gave her medicine.
before retiring to bed, Jyoti looked at Raghav. Raghav was sleeping soundly and
unaware of what was going on in Jyoti’s head. Jyoti was quite upset and was
feeling angry with Raghav. How could he sleep so coolly, whereas she was
keeping awake and taking care of their daughter? Is he the same Raghav who
cared about her a lot before their marriage? What had gone wrong with him? How
could he be a different person now?
These were some of the questions which were disturbing her peace of
mind. As a result she could not sleep whole night as she was full of anger and
another case. Meet Gopal, a young science graduate working as an officer in a
private company. Gopal got married to Lata. Lata being a home makerlooked after
homeactivities. Apparently,Gopal and Lata, both are normal people, but if you
observe their behaviour closely, you will notice a number ofemotional problems.
This is how they spent their yesterday.
the evening, Gopal returned from office. He asked Lata to prepare a cup of tea
for him. Lata, after serving tea and snacks to Gopal, asked Gopal if they could
go shopping since it had been a long time since they went shopping together.
Gopal suddenly got angry at Lata and told her that she always spent money
lavishly and didn’t realize its value. If she wanted to spend money lavishly
she should have married some rich person.
hearing such sentences, Lata too lost her temper and retaliated that Gopal was
miser and he did not love her. He was obsessed with his work!In no time both
were engrossed in heated arguments– blaming and accusing oneanother. The rest
of their day was spoiled. Lata went to bed crying, and Gopal kept lying wide
awake in bed.
happened yesterday is a typical example of what happens in the day-to-day life
of Gopal and Lata. Of course, they know that the frequent emotional upsets
which they experience, make them feel tired and drained, physically and
mentally, and keep them in a disturbed state of mind, but don’t know how to
deal with such emotionally upsetting situations.
to mention, people like Jyoti, Gopal, etc. are in legion. Just have a good look
around and you will find so many people like them – suffering at emotional
level, going through bad moods every now and then. The list of events or
situations in which people feel unhappy, angry or insulted is endless, such as:
He sent the invitation card through a
Look, my husband / wife does not even
remember even my birthday.
He visited my brother first and me later.
Is it not insulting?
I have visited her house ten times, but she
visited mine only thrice.
I got a smaller piece of cake whereas
others have got a bigger one.
When I came home from office, tired and
exhausted, my wife didn’t even ask me for a cup of coffee. And so on...
Why do people become emotionally
disturbed? Who makes them feel bad? Is it their circumstances or do they
themselves create emotional turmoil? If they create their emotional turmoil
then why do they do so? You may even state that no person would like to spoil
his or her mood? In fact you will find that all such people are normal, but
then why don’t they stop doing such things? And, if these people are creators
of their own emotional disturbances, how can they just come out of these
These are some of the questions which might arise in your mind. We
will try to understand the process and subsequently find a solution for these.